What If The Airline Charges You $350 To Sanitize Your Seat?

I suppose we can all use some light entertainment these days as pandemic is in full swing and Hawaii just delayed reopening to October, so I’m sharing an article I came across on Toronto Harold today. Self-dubbed “Toronto’s Least Trusted Source in News”, Toronto Harold is a satire news website (think The Onion). So be warned. This is not real news.

So let’s imagine if the airline is shaming you if you end up getting COVID because you didn’t pay for sanitized seats:

“Sure, you could not pay the $350 sanitizing fee, that’s fine, that’s totally your choice we can’t make you,” an Air Canada rep tells us. “But, how are going to explain to your family that you were the one responsible for passing along COVID to your grandmother, all because you didn’t want to pay a tiny little fee,”

Want to do it yourself? Not so fast!

Although some recent flyers thought they could forgo the fee and wipe down the seat themselves, Air Canada made it very clear that passengers are unable to sanitize their own seats, as only a certified Air Canada Cleanliness Technician making $14.40/hour was qualified to properly sanitize the seat. Air Canada stated that, in fact, Lysol wipes actually posed a terrorist threat and if anyone even tries to sneak some in to their carry-on luggage they will be jailed for 15+ years.

Yep. That’s comedy gold.

How does Air Canada justify this outrageous fee?

“Look no one’s flying anymore and we can no longer sell passengers $22 cans of Heineken okay. We have to make money somehow, it is what is. Don’t wanna pay the fee? Go fly WestJet and pray to whatever God you believe in that they remembered to grease up the landing gear!” said extremely flustered Air Canada CEO Calin Rovinescu in a bizarrely candid statement.

And of course, this fee is non-refundable:

The fee is of course non-refundable, however Air Canada did announce they would offer flyers one free water bottle upon landing on their next flight if they did choose to cancel.

Again, this was a satire news article. Hopefully no one took that seriously.